Sadness and Pain

Part of pregnancy is the hormones and mood swings. That I have always understood. But when it hit me last night, it was like a speeding truck hitting my chest and my heart. The physical pain of not being in Grahams arms.. It was to much.

See, Graham went out with friends last night for a graduation celebration. They went to the movies, and had fun. Which I know he really needed. He said he was going to call me on his way home from the movie. The movie ended, and they went out to dinner. After dinner he was going to head home and call me. Dinner finished, and his best friend took him to a casino. He didn't call. It was about 330, almost 4am my time before he got home. He didn't call. We texted until I fell asleep, but that didn't take TO long. The whole time he was at dinner and the casino, I sat on my bed and cried. I was.. jealous. Jealous that his friends got to see him and spend time with him while I'm so far away, and just dying to even see his face. Jealous that they could see his smile, hear his laugh.. Even now as I type I cant stop the tears that fall from missing him. He told me last night that after he got off work, he was doing nothing but talk to me. Hes at the movies with friends right now. He said hes going to call when he gets home, no matter what time it is, or if I'm asleep. He says hes calling. I get the feeling that he wont.

I hate that the love of my life is so far away, when all I want is to curl up in his arms against his chest, and fall asleep where I belong. I want to feel safe like only he makes me feel. I want to run my fingers over his chest. See the look of peace on his face as he sleeps. I want.. I want HIM. And hes the one thing I can't have.

I know I have a little piece of him growing inside my womb, and I cherish this child. I would do absolutely anything to keep it safe and happy. But.. Without being in his arms, I only have half of my heart. How can a person live and breathe everyday with only half their heart?

What really hurts, is watching my parents, or my brother and his girlfriend. Seeing them happily together, kissing, laughing, curled up on the couch, being in each others arms.. Doing everything I wish I could with the father of my child.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to believe.

Lots of Love,
Laura