Rain, Tears, And Missing You

Well my parents, brother and his girlfriend are off on vacation, leaving me home with the dogs. Tropical storm Debby is moving in from the gulf, but they say its supposed to turn and go the other direction. I don't really mind it honestly. Its rain, which we needed. The lakes, the canals, everything is so low right now. The rain will help, but the ground is so soggy that nothings seeping in yet.

I've always loved the rain. Sitting in the window, watching it fall. It was always kind of.. magical. Watching mother nature feed and nourish the earth.. I always found it beautiful. Storms also tend to put me to sleep. I can sleep through some of the stronger storms with no problem. But today is different. I woke up with a terrible headache, and no matter how hard I try, I just can't get back to sleep. I'm so.. well.. I guess miserable fits pretty well.

I can't control my emotions anymore. I get so frustrated, and snap without meaning to. Like yesterday, I was upset with my parents, and took it out on Graham, who got upset with me. I felt awful about it, but there was nothing I could do. It was already done. I tried apologizing, but it just seemed to fall flat. He says he knows its the hormones, but that doesn't mean I don't hate that I'm snapping at him. He doesn't deserve it. He has done nothing wrong. All hes ever done, is be sweet and loving, kind and caring. He worries about me ALL the time, and hes scared of losing me. None of that is a reason for me to snap at him. I just hope that after the baby is born, things go back to normal.

We've been apart for four weeks and six days now. And every second is like a tiny stab to the heart. I cry every night before bed, and so does Graham. We hate being apart like this. I know we can do it, but I hate that we have to. I hate that I can't just be in his arms. :'( I asked him if him coming here for a little while would help, but it was for selfish reasons really. I just want him here. I need him here. I need to see his face, and hear his voice. :'( He said he doesn't know. That he wants money and timing to be right, and I understand that. I just.. I'm really praying he'll come. That I can pick him up at that airport, hold him, and just cry. If he decides he shouldn't come, it wont be until closer to December that I see him again. :'( And even that is unless we decide I should move there before the baby is born. Everything is just.. so up in the air right now. I hate it. I know the stress isn't good for the baby, but.. I cant help it. This isn't helping my headache at all.

Thanks for the comments and the support guys. Its really appreciated. <3

Lots of Love,
Laura

Sadness and Pain

Part of pregnancy is the hormones and mood swings. That I have always understood. But when it hit me last night, it was like a speeding truck hitting my chest and my heart. The physical pain of not being in Grahams arms.. It was to much.

See, Graham went out with friends last night for a graduation celebration. They went to the movies, and had fun. Which I know he really needed. He said he was going to call me on his way home from the movie. The movie ended, and they went out to dinner. After dinner he was going to head home and call me. Dinner finished, and his best friend took him to a casino. He didn't call. It was about 330, almost 4am my time before he got home. He didn't call. We texted until I fell asleep, but that didn't take TO long. The whole time he was at dinner and the casino, I sat on my bed and cried. I was.. jealous. Jealous that his friends got to see him and spend time with him while I'm so far away, and just dying to even see his face. Jealous that they could see his smile, hear his laugh.. Even now as I type I cant stop the tears that fall from missing him. He told me last night that after he got off work, he was doing nothing but talk to me. Hes at the movies with friends right now. He said hes going to call when he gets home, no matter what time it is, or if I'm asleep. He says hes calling. I get the feeling that he wont.

I hate that the love of my life is so far away, when all I want is to curl up in his arms against his chest, and fall asleep where I belong. I want to feel safe like only he makes me feel. I want to run my fingers over his chest. See the look of peace on his face as he sleeps. I want.. I want HIM. And hes the one thing I can't have.

I know I have a little piece of him growing inside my womb, and I cherish this child. I would do absolutely anything to keep it safe and happy. But.. Without being in his arms, I only have half of my heart. How can a person live and breathe everyday with only half their heart?

What really hurts, is watching my parents, or my brother and his girlfriend. Seeing them happily together, kissing, laughing, curled up on the couch, being in each others arms.. Doing everything I wish I could with the father of my child.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to believe.

Lots of Love,
Laura

Tired All The Time

So being pregnant, I've noticed that I can do absolutely nothing, and still be completely exhausted by about 9:30pm. Then I have a hard time getting to sleep, even if I don't take a nap, but then I sleep until about 12:30pm. So I'm sleeping, its just my sleep is off. Maybe its because I haven't had to work? Which that really needs to change, but right now we only have one vehicle working anyway. My dads truck has bad breaks that are getting fixed Friday.

But its only Tuesday. In 16 days, my family leaves for vacation, and I get the house to myself! Of course I have the dogs with me, but its going to be soooo nice having some peace and quiet for a change. I love my family, but they have a tendency of getting on my nerves. Not so much my dad, but then again he works most of the time. But my mom and my brother. My brother.. that's a sibling thing. Hes annoying, plain and simple.

My mom.. we clash. Sometimes REALLY bad. Actually the other day my mom and I got into it. After about two weeks of being here in Florida, we were already screaming at each other. Or maybe it was just me yelling at her. I hate that she doesn't give my wonderful fiance even a chance. She keeps bringing up the bad, but wont give him a chance to prove that hes trying. She wont just TRY. My dad at least is willing to give him a chance. But my mom is the one that said we wouldn't fight when I got here. That we had grown up, and changed. Well apparently we haven't changed to much if we've already fought.

I really don't have anything else to say.. Just wanted to drop in and say hi.. So.. HI!

Lots of Love,
Laura