I Can't Do Anything Right..

I'm 22 weeks pregnant, and these hormones are completely raging. I have some really good days, and then I have days where I just curl into a ball (well, as much as I can with this belly in my way..) and just cry my eyes out in pure sobs for hours at a time. Graham and I have been fighting more and more, and I can't stand it. I love him more than anything in the world, and I trust him with my life. Graham is the most important thing to me, so knowing I've disappointed him, or upset him really bothers me.

We have our "us" days, where we avoid the computer, stay off facebook and every other social media. We don't text friends, we don't talk to anyone but each other (Of course we can't avoid our families, as much as we may like to). Its completely wonderful, and I love it. Its JUST us, to do whatever WE want to do together. Granted its difficult with us being states apart, but we make it work. But lately our "us" days seem to be.. falling apart. I notice my phone buzzing with him posting pictures on facebook, or sharing articles, or getting on youtube.. I enjoy having the day of no computer, so I avoid mine at all cost. Seeing that Graham keeps getting on his, kind of hurts.. To me, it feels like hes bored with me, or just can't/won't go the full 24 hours with JUST me..

I went to a friends house today because they had something going on, and when I got home, my head started going. I started thinking about how Graham gets to go out every saturday with friends and have fun, where as I stay home and do nothing. He goes to work, and I stay home. He gets to laugh with friends, and my friends are all gone.. everyones moved away, or stopped talking to me.. I get jealous. :/ That and the fact that his friends actually get to see him, hear him, talk to him, touch him.. I hate that I get jealous of it, but I can't help it. I just miss him so much! I started thinking about how he was busy at work today, then went out with friends, then hes spending the night at his best friends house.. I feel like I haven't gotten to talk to him all day. I'm scared hes going to get bored with me again tomorrow on our day, and I hate that we don't have actual open and honest conversations.. He's always so busy that we don't get into depth about things..

Before the movie started, he started asking me what was wrong, and I didn't want to say anything. I wanted to let him enjoy his night with friends, and we could talk about it later. But after the movie, when I wouldn't promise that I was fine, he was getting scared because he felt like it was something bad. I promised him it wasn't bad, that it wasn't anything we hadn't already talked about before. I thought it was just something we would talk about and move on. But when I told him what was bothering me, all of a sudden it was like I had told him that everything he ever does is wrong.. Now hes so upset that he's not answering me at all. v.v I feel like everything I say ends up with us in a fight, and I hate it! I don't know what to do! :'(

Lots of Love,
Laura

Its A Girl!

Well I had another ultrasound on Friday, and found out the sex of the baby. :) We have a beautiful little girl on the way!! She was fast asleep during the whole ultrasound lol. Sucking her thumb, not wanting to move. She was comfortable, and thats how she was going to stay! It took us a half hour just to get everything she needed to find out. I got to see the heart, the heart beat was at 156 (which is good, normal for this little one), her little hands and toes, cute little nose.. Shes beautiful. <3 Graham and I have a beautiful little daughter, our Cassandra Anne. <3 We're so excited.

The ultrasound tech was kind of laughing, trying to get Cassie to move. She wiggled the little wand thing around on my belly trying to make her uncomfortable, but that didn't work. After a while, she told me to roll onto my side facing her, so I did. That didn't help. So then she had me press on my side a bit, again trying to make her uncomfortable enough to move. That didn't work. So she had me go back to my back, and tried again. Still nothing! lol So I went to my other side, and my mom and dad were poking my stomach lol. It worked a little, after I moved back to my back again. She shifted just enough to get the rest of what was needed. :) She's absolutely beautiful.

The whole time I was fighting tears. It was an amazing thing to see, and I was really wishing Graham could have been there with me for that amazing moment. I know that if he would have been there, he would have been right at my side, holding my hand, fighting tears himself. I can't wait to hold our little girl in our arms. <3 I'm still due December 27th, but I kind of think it would be cool if she was born on the 28th, because that night its a full moon. :) I know that's a lame reason, but still lol. As long as she is born in 2012, healthy and well, I'm one happy momma!

I can't believe I'm having a little girl <3

Lots of Love,

Laura

Happiness and Frustration

Well I'm finally going to the doctors like I should be. I had my first appointment on the third, and it went pretty well. Filled out the paper work, they checked my height, weight, and blood pressure (which was good), then took me back to see the doctor. We got to hear the heartbeat! :) My friend Megan went with me, so I wasn't going alone. She recorded it and sent it to Graham so that he could hear it too. He said that as soon as he heard it, he cried. Our little babies heartbeat is at 150 and strong, thank god. I have been so scared that something was going to happen, especially being away from Graham like this. But it sounds like we have a little fighter! :) I have an ultrasound on monday to find out just how far along I really am and everything. We THINK I'm 14 to 15 weeks, but depending on positioning and everything, we MIGHT be able to find out the gender! :D We're really hoping so. We're both so incredibly excited about the whole thing. I just can't wait to see our little baby!!

My family is coming back from vacation, they leave.. well today, since its 2am lol. So they should be here Saturday. It'll be nice to have someone to talk to, but I'm not looking forward to dealing with Greg and his girlfriend. At least I'll have my car back though!!! Thats a huge plus! I wont have to use moms van, or dads truck. :)

A few friends of mine lately have decided they want to complain about not being able to see the guy they like, or their boyfriend. One friend (shes about my age) gets to see him for a couple of days every six weeks, and the other (shes 14) sees him at school, and gets to see him regularly. The youngest today was complaining that her boyfriend is going on vacation for a couple weeks, so she wont get to see him. I'm sorry, but it has been seven weeks now since I've seen Graham. We text and we have the occasional phone call, but that's it. We don't get to see each other. And I'm sorry, but my predicament is a little worse than theirs are. I'm pregnant, away from my fiance. The other half of my heart and soul. And they want to complain? They don't have a baby growing inside of them, needing their fiance to be here with them when they can't even have them. They don't know what that pain REALLY is. I'm sick of hearing it. Sick of listening to them whine.

Lots of Love,
Laura

Rain, Tears, And Missing You

Well my parents, brother and his girlfriend are off on vacation, leaving me home with the dogs. Tropical storm Debby is moving in from the gulf, but they say its supposed to turn and go the other direction. I don't really mind it honestly. Its rain, which we needed. The lakes, the canals, everything is so low right now. The rain will help, but the ground is so soggy that nothings seeping in yet.

I've always loved the rain. Sitting in the window, watching it fall. It was always kind of.. magical. Watching mother nature feed and nourish the earth.. I always found it beautiful. Storms also tend to put me to sleep. I can sleep through some of the stronger storms with no problem. But today is different. I woke up with a terrible headache, and no matter how hard I try, I just can't get back to sleep. I'm so.. well.. I guess miserable fits pretty well.

I can't control my emotions anymore. I get so frustrated, and snap without meaning to. Like yesterday, I was upset with my parents, and took it out on Graham, who got upset with me. I felt awful about it, but there was nothing I could do. It was already done. I tried apologizing, but it just seemed to fall flat. He says he knows its the hormones, but that doesn't mean I don't hate that I'm snapping at him. He doesn't deserve it. He has done nothing wrong. All hes ever done, is be sweet and loving, kind and caring. He worries about me ALL the time, and hes scared of losing me. None of that is a reason for me to snap at him. I just hope that after the baby is born, things go back to normal.

We've been apart for four weeks and six days now. And every second is like a tiny stab to the heart. I cry every night before bed, and so does Graham. We hate being apart like this. I know we can do it, but I hate that we have to. I hate that I can't just be in his arms. :'( I asked him if him coming here for a little while would help, but it was for selfish reasons really. I just want him here. I need him here. I need to see his face, and hear his voice. :'( He said he doesn't know. That he wants money and timing to be right, and I understand that. I just.. I'm really praying he'll come. That I can pick him up at that airport, hold him, and just cry. If he decides he shouldn't come, it wont be until closer to December that I see him again. :'( And even that is unless we decide I should move there before the baby is born. Everything is just.. so up in the air right now. I hate it. I know the stress isn't good for the baby, but.. I cant help it. This isn't helping my headache at all.

Thanks for the comments and the support guys. Its really appreciated. <3

Lots of Love,
Laura

Sadness and Pain

Part of pregnancy is the hormones and mood swings. That I have always understood. But when it hit me last night, it was like a speeding truck hitting my chest and my heart. The physical pain of not being in Grahams arms.. It was to much.

See, Graham went out with friends last night for a graduation celebration. They went to the movies, and had fun. Which I know he really needed. He said he was going to call me on his way home from the movie. The movie ended, and they went out to dinner. After dinner he was going to head home and call me. Dinner finished, and his best friend took him to a casino. He didn't call. It was about 330, almost 4am my time before he got home. He didn't call. We texted until I fell asleep, but that didn't take TO long. The whole time he was at dinner and the casino, I sat on my bed and cried. I was.. jealous. Jealous that his friends got to see him and spend time with him while I'm so far away, and just dying to even see his face. Jealous that they could see his smile, hear his laugh.. Even now as I type I cant stop the tears that fall from missing him. He told me last night that after he got off work, he was doing nothing but talk to me. Hes at the movies with friends right now. He said hes going to call when he gets home, no matter what time it is, or if I'm asleep. He says hes calling. I get the feeling that he wont.

I hate that the love of my life is so far away, when all I want is to curl up in his arms against his chest, and fall asleep where I belong. I want to feel safe like only he makes me feel. I want to run my fingers over his chest. See the look of peace on his face as he sleeps. I want.. I want HIM. And hes the one thing I can't have.

I know I have a little piece of him growing inside my womb, and I cherish this child. I would do absolutely anything to keep it safe and happy. But.. Without being in his arms, I only have half of my heart. How can a person live and breathe everyday with only half their heart?

What really hurts, is watching my parents, or my brother and his girlfriend. Seeing them happily together, kissing, laughing, curled up on the couch, being in each others arms.. Doing everything I wish I could with the father of my child.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to believe.

Lots of Love,
Laura