Almost 6 Months Old

My beautiful baby girl is almost 6 months old! Can you believe it? My life has been so crazy that I haven't been able to post anything, but now I'm suddenly finding the time.

So what have I been up to you ask? Well a lot. Cassandra came ON her due date, which is actually a funny story. I went to my doctors appointment that morning as planned, and was waiting for them to come and check me. I had been contracting all morning, but I didn't think anything of it since it wasn't that painful. When they told me to lean back so they could check, she looked at me and asked me if my water had broken yet. I told her no, and she laughed saying it just did! So we cleaned up the mess and my mom and Graham took me to the hospital. I dilated completely on my own, I was at 10cms within maybe 4 hours. Did two hours of practice pushing and then three hours of hard pushing. But Cassie did not want to come out! So the doctor came in and asked me if I wanted to have a csection or keep pushing another few hours and then possibly have one anyway. I was so beyond done at that point that I just opted for the csection. She was 8lbs 2ounces, and beautiful. :) She was jaundice for about a day (she was under the billi lights), and then after about three days, we went home from the hospital.

The first month or two was really difficult. Adjusting to her, letting her adjust to being on the outside and needing to eat regularly instead of instantly getting her food from mommy. There were many sleepless nights, but it was all worth it. Now she is going on six months old and she is wonderfully healthy. She is already sitting up on her own (a month early), shes a very happy baby, with lots of smiles to give. I couldn't imagine my life without her. :)

Graham and I? We're doing alright. We have our ups and downs, but we're together and thats all that matters. We still haven't been able to find jobs, but we're working on it. We have our fights, but I would rather be fighting and in the same house, than be happy and in different states. At least with him here I can curl up with him at night and know that hes not going anywhere. That hes really here to stay. I do have to work on my insecurities, but he hasn't given up on me yet. Thank god.

Theres more I could say, but I can't think of what all there is right now. My mind is so consumed wondering if shes waking up from her nap or if I'm hearing things lol.

I'll try to write soon, but I can't make any promises. Little miss takes up a lot of my time. :)

Lots of Love,
Laura

35 Weeks and.. Sigh

As of Thanksgiving, I have five weeks until little miss Cassandra Anne is due. I can tell shes dropped, especially every time I get up and she pushes tight against my bladder. I'm really looking forward to seeing our beautiful little girl finally, but I'm so ready to be done with this pregnancy. I want to be able to get comfortable again, I want to get rid of these hormones, and I just want things to be good again..

My grandma died five days ago, which has been hard. But I have the love of wonderful friends and family, and a great fiance. Everyone has been so supportive and helpful, always asking me what they can do for me and everything. Its really great. I just hate that I couldn't go to her funeral. I'm to far along to travel, so I was stuck here while everyone else was in Michigan. :( To make it worse? She told my dad that out of all the grandkids, she felt closest to me. At least I had a last phone call though I guess.. She told me that Cassie was going to make everything better. To make sure to take care of her.. To take her out into the world.. This beautiful little girl already has a lot to live up to if her great grandma says shes going to make everything better.

Its been about seven months now since I've seen Graham, and its killing me. I hate this with every fiber of my being. When we first got back to our separate states, things were.. hard. But we talked on the phone, we were still all lovey dovey, we talked about things.. And now.. now I feel almost like I'm some parasite that he just can't get rid of. Like he doesn't want me, he just puts up with me because we're engaged and I'm carrying his daughter.. I just want my fiance back. :( I want him here, and I want things to be better again. I want him to tell me he loves me for no reason, and I want to feel like I'm wanted. v.v Right now I feel like I'm lucky if I get a text back. I hate this. I hate distance, and I hate being so freaking hormonal right now.

Anyone got a fast forward button?

Lots of Love,
Laura

31 Weeks and Counting!!

Well there's only 59 days until our beautiful baby girl is due! Graham and I are so excited. :) As my shirts get smaller and smaller, little miss Cassie keeps growing bigger and bigger. And let me tell you, I've noticed! Shes a strong little fighter, that's for sure. Her kicks are strong, each time I go in for my doctors appointments (every two weeks) they tell me how strong her heartbeat is.. The pregnancy is REALLY going great!

Graham was supposed to come on the 14th and use up his vacation time, but thanks to the airlines losing his ticket, he wasn't able to. Its really hard being this pregnant and this far away from the man I love, but I'm okay. I know that everything happens for a reason, and that we're never handed anything that we can't handle. Well later that week, Graham ended up getting really sick (hes fine, it was just a really bad flu or cold). My poor man couldn't keep anything down, had absolutely no energy left, and was just miserable! So there's the reason behind him not being able to come right there. If he would have come, I could have gotten sick too, and that could have been bad. So fate has its reasons, whether we like it or not. But December isn't that far away, and Graham is going to be here a week before I'm due so that he can be here to help me and be here for our little girls birth. :) I can't wait to see him!!

I've been volunteering at my moms school lately. Its actually really nice, it gives me something to do and something to keep me busy with! The teachers there know and love me (they've known me as long as moms worked there, and that's about.... 7 or 8 years now?) so its really nice. I can talk to them if I need to without worrying that they'll judge me. Plus everyone there is so sweet! They all love the baby belly. ^_^ Now I'm in three different classes. Tuesdays I'm in Pre K (which is interesting), Wednesdays I'm in first grade (with a first year teacher, shes due a week before me!), and then Fridays I'm in my moms first grade class. Honestly I think I like being in my moms class best, because I'm not afraid to say something to the kids. If they're acting up, I can speak up without feeling like I'm stepping on anyone's toes. That and my mom has me do more than everyone else does. Well, most of the time. She has me grading her tests, taking care of the kids folders, getting things ready, helping with this or that, helping with testing.. Just anything and everything. And the kids love me! They see me in the halls and get really excited lol. I hear "MISS LAURA!!!" a lot. :) Its a great feeling.

We had my baby shower on the 20th, and oh my goodness it was a killer success! We had so many people here it was crazy! Lots of family, lots of friends.. It was so loud in the house that even with my phone turned up all the way I STILL couldn't hear it going off!! We had adults drinking apple juice out of baby bottles (which I ALMOST won by the way), tasting baby food.. It was so much fun. :) Then we got a LOT of stuff too! We were given a cradle (which Cassie will be sleeping in for a little while), a swing/bouncer combo, LOTS of clothes, diapers, a few things of wipes, bottles, a boppy pillow (yay!), two picture frames, lots of blankets, a diaper cake with a pooh night light on top, a pooh crib set (which is adorable), a diaper genie.. Umm.. I can't remember what else lol. I just know that I'm excited and really looking forward to using all this stuff!! 

My grandma (on my dads side) isn't doing well at all.. We were told that she has a few weeks to a few months to live. Mom and dad are going up this weekend to be with her. But me.. I'm to far along to travel. I'll be 32 weeks on Thursday, and I just.. can't. My birthing classes start on the 7th, I'm at the doctors every two weeks.. I just CAN'T leave. Which I hate, because I want to be able to say goodbye.. But I know its not something I can control, and she would want me to think about my health, and the health of this beautiful little girl I'm carrying. She wouldn't want me to risk it. -sigh- But I KNOW that as strong as I'm trying to stay right now, its going to hit me REALLY hard once shes gone. They stopped treatment, because the cancers really aggressive and the chemo isn't working.. Mom just got off the phone with her not long ago, and she said she sounds absolutely terrible. :( It sounds like her organs are shutting down already.. -sigh- I know that she wont be in pain anymore, but its hard to let them go.. Grahams been absolutely amazing the whole time too. He lets me talk to him about it, and lean on him and just.. He helps me keep semi sane about the whole situation. And I'm really trying not to stress and freak out about it, because I know its not good for the baby. But that doesn't make it easy! I really wanted Cassie to meet her great grandma. :/ But in the end, what will be will be.

I think this update is plenty long lol. Besides, I want to go up to the store and get some chocolate chips for our pancakes I'm making tonight. I'll update again soon!

Lots of Love,

Laura

24 Weeks and Growing

As of September 6th, I am 24 weeks pregnant, and as you can see I am growing growing growing! Cassie's getting so much bigger, and shes kicking like crazy! Actually right now shes sleeping (thank goodness). Its adorable because I can lay a certain way and feel her move like shes trying to get comfy with mommy. :)

Graham and I have.. well we've had our ups and downs. We fight over the littlest things, and I think a huge part of the reason is because we're so far away from each other, and distance is taking its toll. But then another good chunk of it is because I let my freak outs (Thank you hormones >.>) get in the way and take over when they shouldn't. So I have to work on that. But the good news, is that hes coming in October and I get to spend a week with him. :) He lost a bet between us, so now he owes me an Olive Garden date night! :D Endless salad and bread sticks for a pregnant woman? HELL YEAH!! lol I'm really looking forward to it. I can't wait to just be in his arms again! As of right now, we've been apart for 16 weeks. x.x Thats 112 days! Actually, thats since friday, so today it would be 114 days. It totally and completely sucks! I'm so ready for it to be over, and have the love of my life at my side again. <3 The good part, is that hes going to be here a week before I'm due, which means I get him for Christmas. :) Merry Christmas to me!

My friend Judi just had her baby girl, Rayne Cynthia Storey yesterday at 12:31am. Shes so adorable!! I went to see them yesterday, and ohh my goodness! I can't wait to be holding my OWN little girl! Robbie (the daddy) had to help Judi in the bathroom, so he handed her to me while she was crying and went with Judi. Well not even a full minute in my arms, and little Rayne stopped crying and fell asleep. ^_^ It was absolutely precious. <3 They took their time in the bathroom while I rocked her in my arms a little (I was sitting, and with my pregnant belly I couldn't really do much movement xD), touched her soft little face and just watched her sleep. Robbie opened the door to make sure I was okay and I just laughed at him and said to take his time. When they finally came out he was like "You're great with her!" And then later he was saying how I was holding her, how great I was, and that it was like she was my own. ^_^ It made me smile, thinking to myself, "Maybe I really CAN do this".

So I'm really looking forward to meeting our beautiful little girl now more than ever. :) Just thought I would update!

Lots of Love,
Laura

I Can't Do Anything Right..

I'm 22 weeks pregnant, and these hormones are completely raging. I have some really good days, and then I have days where I just curl into a ball (well, as much as I can with this belly in my way..) and just cry my eyes out in pure sobs for hours at a time. Graham and I have been fighting more and more, and I can't stand it. I love him more than anything in the world, and I trust him with my life. Graham is the most important thing to me, so knowing I've disappointed him, or upset him really bothers me.

We have our "us" days, where we avoid the computer, stay off facebook and every other social media. We don't text friends, we don't talk to anyone but each other (Of course we can't avoid our families, as much as we may like to). Its completely wonderful, and I love it. Its JUST us, to do whatever WE want to do together. Granted its difficult with us being states apart, but we make it work. But lately our "us" days seem to be.. falling apart. I notice my phone buzzing with him posting pictures on facebook, or sharing articles, or getting on youtube.. I enjoy having the day of no computer, so I avoid mine at all cost. Seeing that Graham keeps getting on his, kind of hurts.. To me, it feels like hes bored with me, or just can't/won't go the full 24 hours with JUST me..

I went to a friends house today because they had something going on, and when I got home, my head started going. I started thinking about how Graham gets to go out every saturday with friends and have fun, where as I stay home and do nothing. He goes to work, and I stay home. He gets to laugh with friends, and my friends are all gone.. everyones moved away, or stopped talking to me.. I get jealous. :/ That and the fact that his friends actually get to see him, hear him, talk to him, touch him.. I hate that I get jealous of it, but I can't help it. I just miss him so much! I started thinking about how he was busy at work today, then went out with friends, then hes spending the night at his best friends house.. I feel like I haven't gotten to talk to him all day. I'm scared hes going to get bored with me again tomorrow on our day, and I hate that we don't have actual open and honest conversations.. He's always so busy that we don't get into depth about things..

Before the movie started, he started asking me what was wrong, and I didn't want to say anything. I wanted to let him enjoy his night with friends, and we could talk about it later. But after the movie, when I wouldn't promise that I was fine, he was getting scared because he felt like it was something bad. I promised him it wasn't bad, that it wasn't anything we hadn't already talked about before. I thought it was just something we would talk about and move on. But when I told him what was bothering me, all of a sudden it was like I had told him that everything he ever does is wrong.. Now hes so upset that he's not answering me at all. v.v I feel like everything I say ends up with us in a fight, and I hate it! I don't know what to do! :'(

Lots of Love,
Laura

Its A Girl!

Well I had another ultrasound on Friday, and found out the sex of the baby. :) We have a beautiful little girl on the way!! She was fast asleep during the whole ultrasound lol. Sucking her thumb, not wanting to move. She was comfortable, and thats how she was going to stay! It took us a half hour just to get everything she needed to find out. I got to see the heart, the heart beat was at 156 (which is good, normal for this little one), her little hands and toes, cute little nose.. Shes beautiful. <3 Graham and I have a beautiful little daughter, our Cassandra Anne. <3 We're so excited.

The ultrasound tech was kind of laughing, trying to get Cassie to move. She wiggled the little wand thing around on my belly trying to make her uncomfortable, but that didn't work. After a while, she told me to roll onto my side facing her, so I did. That didn't help. So then she had me press on my side a bit, again trying to make her uncomfortable enough to move. That didn't work. So she had me go back to my back, and tried again. Still nothing! lol So I went to my other side, and my mom and dad were poking my stomach lol. It worked a little, after I moved back to my back again. She shifted just enough to get the rest of what was needed. :) She's absolutely beautiful.

The whole time I was fighting tears. It was an amazing thing to see, and I was really wishing Graham could have been there with me for that amazing moment. I know that if he would have been there, he would have been right at my side, holding my hand, fighting tears himself. I can't wait to hold our little girl in our arms. <3 I'm still due December 27th, but I kind of think it would be cool if she was born on the 28th, because that night its a full moon. :) I know that's a lame reason, but still lol. As long as she is born in 2012, healthy and well, I'm one happy momma!

I can't believe I'm having a little girl <3

Lots of Love,

Laura

Happiness and Frustration

Well I'm finally going to the doctors like I should be. I had my first appointment on the third, and it went pretty well. Filled out the paper work, they checked my height, weight, and blood pressure (which was good), then took me back to see the doctor. We got to hear the heartbeat! :) My friend Megan went with me, so I wasn't going alone. She recorded it and sent it to Graham so that he could hear it too. He said that as soon as he heard it, he cried. Our little babies heartbeat is at 150 and strong, thank god. I have been so scared that something was going to happen, especially being away from Graham like this. But it sounds like we have a little fighter! :) I have an ultrasound on monday to find out just how far along I really am and everything. We THINK I'm 14 to 15 weeks, but depending on positioning and everything, we MIGHT be able to find out the gender! :D We're really hoping so. We're both so incredibly excited about the whole thing. I just can't wait to see our little baby!!

My family is coming back from vacation, they leave.. well today, since its 2am lol. So they should be here Saturday. It'll be nice to have someone to talk to, but I'm not looking forward to dealing with Greg and his girlfriend. At least I'll have my car back though!!! Thats a huge plus! I wont have to use moms van, or dads truck. :)

A few friends of mine lately have decided they want to complain about not being able to see the guy they like, or their boyfriend. One friend (shes about my age) gets to see him for a couple of days every six weeks, and the other (shes 14) sees him at school, and gets to see him regularly. The youngest today was complaining that her boyfriend is going on vacation for a couple weeks, so she wont get to see him. I'm sorry, but it has been seven weeks now since I've seen Graham. We text and we have the occasional phone call, but that's it. We don't get to see each other. And I'm sorry, but my predicament is a little worse than theirs are. I'm pregnant, away from my fiance. The other half of my heart and soul. And they want to complain? They don't have a baby growing inside of them, needing their fiance to be here with them when they can't even have them. They don't know what that pain REALLY is. I'm sick of hearing it. Sick of listening to them whine.

Lots of Love,
Laura

Rain, Tears, And Missing You

Well my parents, brother and his girlfriend are off on vacation, leaving me home with the dogs. Tropical storm Debby is moving in from the gulf, but they say its supposed to turn and go the other direction. I don't really mind it honestly. Its rain, which we needed. The lakes, the canals, everything is so low right now. The rain will help, but the ground is so soggy that nothings seeping in yet.

I've always loved the rain. Sitting in the window, watching it fall. It was always kind of.. magical. Watching mother nature feed and nourish the earth.. I always found it beautiful. Storms also tend to put me to sleep. I can sleep through some of the stronger storms with no problem. But today is different. I woke up with a terrible headache, and no matter how hard I try, I just can't get back to sleep. I'm so.. well.. I guess miserable fits pretty well.

I can't control my emotions anymore. I get so frustrated, and snap without meaning to. Like yesterday, I was upset with my parents, and took it out on Graham, who got upset with me. I felt awful about it, but there was nothing I could do. It was already done. I tried apologizing, but it just seemed to fall flat. He says he knows its the hormones, but that doesn't mean I don't hate that I'm snapping at him. He doesn't deserve it. He has done nothing wrong. All hes ever done, is be sweet and loving, kind and caring. He worries about me ALL the time, and hes scared of losing me. None of that is a reason for me to snap at him. I just hope that after the baby is born, things go back to normal.

We've been apart for four weeks and six days now. And every second is like a tiny stab to the heart. I cry every night before bed, and so does Graham. We hate being apart like this. I know we can do it, but I hate that we have to. I hate that I can't just be in his arms. :'( I asked him if him coming here for a little while would help, but it was for selfish reasons really. I just want him here. I need him here. I need to see his face, and hear his voice. :'( He said he doesn't know. That he wants money and timing to be right, and I understand that. I just.. I'm really praying he'll come. That I can pick him up at that airport, hold him, and just cry. If he decides he shouldn't come, it wont be until closer to December that I see him again. :'( And even that is unless we decide I should move there before the baby is born. Everything is just.. so up in the air right now. I hate it. I know the stress isn't good for the baby, but.. I cant help it. This isn't helping my headache at all.

Thanks for the comments and the support guys. Its really appreciated. <3

Lots of Love,
Laura

Sadness and Pain

Part of pregnancy is the hormones and mood swings. That I have always understood. But when it hit me last night, it was like a speeding truck hitting my chest and my heart. The physical pain of not being in Grahams arms.. It was to much.

See, Graham went out with friends last night for a graduation celebration. They went to the movies, and had fun. Which I know he really needed. He said he was going to call me on his way home from the movie. The movie ended, and they went out to dinner. After dinner he was going to head home and call me. Dinner finished, and his best friend took him to a casino. He didn't call. It was about 330, almost 4am my time before he got home. He didn't call. We texted until I fell asleep, but that didn't take TO long. The whole time he was at dinner and the casino, I sat on my bed and cried. I was.. jealous. Jealous that his friends got to see him and spend time with him while I'm so far away, and just dying to even see his face. Jealous that they could see his smile, hear his laugh.. Even now as I type I cant stop the tears that fall from missing him. He told me last night that after he got off work, he was doing nothing but talk to me. Hes at the movies with friends right now. He said hes going to call when he gets home, no matter what time it is, or if I'm asleep. He says hes calling. I get the feeling that he wont.

I hate that the love of my life is so far away, when all I want is to curl up in his arms against his chest, and fall asleep where I belong. I want to feel safe like only he makes me feel. I want to run my fingers over his chest. See the look of peace on his face as he sleeps. I want.. I want HIM. And hes the one thing I can't have.

I know I have a little piece of him growing inside my womb, and I cherish this child. I would do absolutely anything to keep it safe and happy. But.. Without being in his arms, I only have half of my heart. How can a person live and breathe everyday with only half their heart?

What really hurts, is watching my parents, or my brother and his girlfriend. Seeing them happily together, kissing, laughing, curled up on the couch, being in each others arms.. Doing everything I wish I could with the father of my child.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to believe.

Lots of Love,
Laura

Tired All The Time

So being pregnant, I've noticed that I can do absolutely nothing, and still be completely exhausted by about 9:30pm. Then I have a hard time getting to sleep, even if I don't take a nap, but then I sleep until about 12:30pm. So I'm sleeping, its just my sleep is off. Maybe its because I haven't had to work? Which that really needs to change, but right now we only have one vehicle working anyway. My dads truck has bad breaks that are getting fixed Friday.

But its only Tuesday. In 16 days, my family leaves for vacation, and I get the house to myself! Of course I have the dogs with me, but its going to be soooo nice having some peace and quiet for a change. I love my family, but they have a tendency of getting on my nerves. Not so much my dad, but then again he works most of the time. But my mom and my brother. My brother.. that's a sibling thing. Hes annoying, plain and simple.

My mom.. we clash. Sometimes REALLY bad. Actually the other day my mom and I got into it. After about two weeks of being here in Florida, we were already screaming at each other. Or maybe it was just me yelling at her. I hate that she doesn't give my wonderful fiance even a chance. She keeps bringing up the bad, but wont give him a chance to prove that hes trying. She wont just TRY. My dad at least is willing to give him a chance. But my mom is the one that said we wouldn't fight when I got here. That we had grown up, and changed. Well apparently we haven't changed to much if we've already fought.

I really don't have anything else to say.. Just wanted to drop in and say hi.. So.. HI!

Lots of Love,
Laura

Its Been A While

Well I have a lot that I haven't been able to update about. We couldn't find internet at the house anymore, so I never got on. I went to work, came home, slept.. That was about it. But now that I'm back, there's a lot to say.

I'm pretty sure I told you that I'm engaged to the love of my life. :) Well... I'm also pregnant. :) I'm about nine weeks right now, going on 10. ^_^ We couldn't be happier. We're both so incredibly excited, and so glad to be starting our family. Everyone except my brother and my dad think its going to be a girl. Which either way, we already have names picked. For a girl, her name will be Cassandra Anne, for a boy, Dominic Alexander. I wanted names that were different, not something that everyone else had. Something.. elegant I guess? Something like that. But we both love the names.

I'm also back at my parents house in Florida, sadly. And Graham is back in Oklahoma. :/ It totally and completely sucks, but we're making it work. There was a lot of things that happened, but we're working through it together, and its going to be a completely fresh start. We're not sure yet if we're going to live in Florida, or in Oklahoma, but we'll know by the end of June. Its a big step, and we wouldn't be moving until after the baby's born. Then we'll move and be together and happy and and and... lol. I can't wait, can you tell?

God I miss him so much. I miss being in his arms, kissing his lips, falling asleep on his chest.. The night before he left, I curled up on his chest, and cried myself to sleep. It wasn't just little tears, it was a full out BAWL. Then my first night back here, I cried myself to sleep, because I felt like he should be here with me, holding me as I slept. I HATE being away from him. I honestly without a doubt NEVER want to do this again. Once I have him back, I don't ever want to be apart from him again. We've already agreed on that much. God I can't wait to hug him and kiss him and just.. AHH! lol. I can't wait to be with him.

Okay, I'm running out of things to talk about.. Haven't felt the baby move yet, haven't really had any cravings yet.. morning sickness sucks... lol I'll update more often. :) Bye for now!

Lots of Love,
Laura